Perhaps I would be better off to not post this entry.  But it consumes my thoughts on this Christmas eve.  And I consider that nothing I post will find a grand welcome in most homes anyway.  So I’ll post this pondering.

All my life I have had only a tiny handful of friends.  I’ve had many who tried to love me.  But to no avail.  Did their love fall short?   No, I was not lovable.  But what does that mean?

I look and look at society and consider the answer:  What does it mean that I was not lovable enough to retain friends or loved ones?  Does it mean that I am such trash that even the outcast among us would gladly throw me away?  Does it mean that I hate who we are with such a venom that even venomous snakes of men are repulsed at the vicious nature of my heart?  This line of questioning will certainly result in a unfruitful line of answers.  If I question myself along this line, I will most certainly conclude that I am not worthy to breathe the same air as everyone else.  And frankly, this has been my conclusion for decades.  Since I have gained no ground prior to this using these questions, it would be good to seek questions that provide a different group of answers.

How am I different than any other man that I should experience this alienation?  There is nothing about me that you would recognize at first which would provide that answer.  I’m just like you in a variety of ways.  Where the difference appears is in what I hold as important.

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When I voice that “important” information, the result is alienation.  What is the difference?  I am quick to call things as they are.  I don’t monkey around with politically correct speech.   I have found that to do so simply puts off the inevitable games people play.  These games have to do with pride, importance, personal worth, gain, lies, greed, gossip, hatred of anything not “me”, and so very much more.

I’m not saying that I’m a perfect man.  I’m simply not willing to play the games of society.  Why?  Because I learned at an early age that no one wins in the games people play against each other.  Society says that we have to become something important.  And important is always defined by someone else.  If important were defined around a camp fire, we would consider bringing wood, killing something to eat, and providing some kind of shelter as indicators of what is important.  But add invention, and “important” escalates into something far more difficult to grasp and identify.  A man will say to himself, “I have gained what others do not have.  Thus I am important.  And it is important that others recognize me as important.  And those who won’t recognize my importance will suffer by my important hand.”

This is why I am an outcast.  I will not recognize this self made importance as valuable.  It is a lie.  And I won’t give glory to a life led by lying.   I give myself no glory for such behavior.  I certainly won’t give it to others.  Do you realize that even wearing the title of mom or dad can become a lie?  Even such a very reasonable title can become a “right” which demands obedience.  And in society such titles supercede righteous living.  How awesome to think that such a reasonable title can become so corrupt.

I am forced to accept my position in this world.  And it is often saddening to look around and count my friends by looking in the mirror.  But then I realize that even I have not been my best friend.  For I put myself into situations unholy and unrighteous.  Even I can’t trust myself.  Isn’t this why the Lord says to us, “Worship God only.”

Believe it or not, I would love some feedback on this issue.  We are all part of this painting of life in this place of testing.  So we are all vulnerable to the same problem I’ve laid out here on the table to eat.

By His Grace.