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What have I learned from the past month?  I’ve learned that if I wish to obey the Lord in certain issues it will take everything I am.

I believed I was told to accomplish a personal refinement.  Through a week and a half I allowed myself to endure for His name sake.  For the next three weeks I suffered under horrible desires.  I watched curiously as my mind and body screamed to partake, lest this refinement became more powerful than they.  Anger, confusion, the seeds of hatred germinating, and complete frustration (almost to the point where I couldn’t control the sound  of my voice betraying my inner turmoil.)

Then finally came the wall.  Continue to endure under this pressure and become an angry man, or relent for a while and regroup later.  I have chosen the latter for a while.  So what have I learned?   Did I give up only to never try again?  Am I under a curse because I wasn’t prepared to endure?  I am compelled by the Love of God in Christ Jesus to say “no.”

I have learned that, while salvation by the blood of Jesus is offered to all who believe, there is an “extra” offered to every believer.  The cost of this “extra” is enormous!  And it will cost us the following:  Dedication toward accomplishment regardless the experience.  Continual honor given to the One who calls us toward what is Holy.  A willingness to suffer beyond our perceived ability to endure.  And, quite possibly, a willingness to abandon our present life’s duties for a season.

I said to myself, “You have what it takes.  Why are you faltering like this?”  But what was I to do with the building anxiety, anger, frustration, and lack of will?  I consider that I might have succeeded if I had just pushed one more day.  But what I have done is what I did. 

The glory due those who wash their robes in the blood of the Lamb is well earned.  Those who over come will be blessed with honor, as the One who bestows this honor is blessed with eternal joy.  Yet, there will be few who find that honor bestowed upon them.  Why?  precisely for the experience I related above.  The battle is harsh and demanding.  And I now know how horrible the battle can become.  And after typing that last sentence, I laugh at myself.  What do I know of suffering for the sake of His Holy Name?

Father in Heaven; Holy Father of Life and life,  I give you praise for the intense place of testing You have created for man.  And I give You Glory for the Perfection of Your Holy Son!  What wonders and marvelous power He embodies!  That He should suffer without fault in this place where I now walk (or crawl on my belly).  You are Glorious!  And Your way is above us as the farthest star in the universe is removed from the chair I now sit in.  May Your Holy Will be done forever!  You Are God!

By His Grace.